Backdoor Blessings

Backdoor Blessings: The Gifts of Illness

For the last eight years I’ve battled numerous, shall I say, health issues, mainly stemming from abnormal cell growth in various parts of my body. From 2000 to now, I have lost part of my thyroid, cervix, my entire uterus and recently was told I would have to get part of my colon removed. In 2006, after opting to have my uterus removed because of a large fibroid tumor, I came upon a book called The Journey by Brandon Bays. It was the first time I came across the topic of spontaneous healing. It was also my very first introduction into the mind body connection. Although it came rather late for my uterus, I decided that I wanted to know more about the power I had over my own body. Never before had I been told that I had any control over what occurred inside of my body. It was a bittersweet day when I came upon this truth as I had already lost so many parts of myself.

Since I suffer from the blessing and curse of the need to understand, I read books like The Healing Path: A Soul Approach to Illness by Marc Ian Barasch and Bernie Seigal, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hays and The Mind Body Prescription by Dr. Sarno. I devoured these books and others like them, hoping to get a glimpse of some formula for healing myself. Of course what I really wanted was a short and specific list of what I could do, something like meditate daily, do guided imagery with the part of your body you are trying to heal, love yourself in some way every day, get rid of the baggage. A nice simple checklist I could follow would suffice. I wanted to be told what to do and I wanted to go about doing it.

After much reading I was more confused than ever. There were no specific formulas. Instead every patient had their own unique path that led them to healing. Many had made a significant transition in their lives, like leaving their spouses or jobs. Some became very spiritual and quiet in their quest for healing. Brandon Bays had sat for hours and visualized the healing of her own very large fibroid tumor which all but disappeared over the next few days. I wondered about my path. How could I heal my chronic back pain and this newest growth in my colon? More importantly how could I heal on an emotional level so that parts of my body would no longer be confused as to their function and role in my body.

So far, I tried the traditional route for my back: went to a chiropractor, an orthopedist, a physical therapist, hot and cold packs, lumbar supports, but nothing worked. Then one day I was in my gym and they were offering free Reiki sessions and free massages. I chose to have the dainty Asian woman perform Reiki, an energy form of healing on my body. I lay on my stomach, as she placed her warm hands on my back for about 20 minutes. I had flashbacks to my fanatical upbringing and the laying of hands but I tried to shut those images out of my mind and surrendered my body and mind to healing that day. By the end of the twenty minutes, my sciatica pain was gone. Within the next couple of hours the pain returned gradually, but this experience with Reiki prompted me to explore energy medicine and the energy blocks we have in different parts of our body. I realized that for those twenty minutes, I let go and let something higher than me take over, but when I returned to the real stresses in my life, my growing unease with being married, and the fear of leaving and being alone, my pain returned. I also believe that the root cause was yet to be discovered and healed.

In Chinese medicine, disease is considered blocks in your Chi, your Life Force. As for me, I had a deep sense that these blocks were rooted in trauma. My thyroid cancer came at a time when I was choking on secrets, protecting others at the cost of myself and stifling my own voice. The abnormal cells in my cervix were connected to my repressed sexuality. I rejected myself sexually and punished myself by not allowing myself healthy sex or intimacy. My uterus was deeply connected to my feelings of inadequacy as a mother and the strong desire to never mother (ruin) another child. I hated the idea of becoming a mother again, because I had deep shame about not protecting my daughter. My back pain was associated with my inability to support myself having been dependent all my life on someone else and not believing that I could support myself financially, emotionally and physically. My colon issues were directly related to all the, excuse my French, shit, I was holding on to. Everything I had held in for so long was there growing inside of me. All these parts of my body were calling out to be healed, teaching me the lessons I needed to learn, guiding me to let go of the wounds.

I believe that there were several significant components to the healing process for me:

Believe it was possible to heal my own body.

Believe that I deserved wellbeing.

Allow it in.

Return to my Self, through love and self care.

Heal and release the emotional trauma and current blocks in my life.

Shifting the first two beliefs took time and reconditioning of previously held beliefs through reading books and the stories of others who were healed. Immersing myself in these stories shifting what I previously thought was possible. Allowing it in entailed allowing myself to have fun and experience joy in my life and staying away from thinking that blocked my wellbeing. This took quite a bit of conscious effort on my part especially when it came to my thinking. Learning to love and take care of myself started at first with nutrition and performing Reiki on my body. Reiki is very loving. There is something magical about placing your own hands on your own body in a loving manner and allowing something higher to work through you. Finally healing and releasing the emotional trauma and current blocks was perhaps the hardest and the one I continually work on. I have obviously not released ALL of my emotional trauma or even the current blocks in my life, but it is the act of even beginning to let go which allows wellbeing to flow more easily through you.

There were other factors involved in my healing path such as having a major transition in which I let go of my thirteen year marriage. I started to take care of myself more nutritionally and emotionally. I used Dr. Sarno’s method in The Mind Body Prescription in order to heal my back pain. His theory is that most back pain and some other ailments are caused by our brain in order to distract us from something we perceive as too painful or difficult to handle. There is an actual loss of oxygen to a part of our body which causes tension and pain. This pain keeps us from the emotional pain. He recommends you make a list of what has been bothering you lately, any childhood trauma, any stresses in your life and that you speak back to your brain and let it know that you do not need a distraction from these things and that you can and will deal with them. Within two weeks of using his method and repeating the mantra whenever I felt pain, the sciatica was gone. Now whenever I even get a twinge of pain in my back, I talk back to my brain. I say, “I know this pain is not due to physical causes, but due to my not wanting to think about….” At this point you go through each item on your list. Instead of being more depressing it is actually quite freeing to just see it all on paper and not be overwhelmed by it mentally.
As for my colon, which I was told would have to be resectioned, I did not have to undergo the surgery. Ironically during the colonoscopy to remove the rather large polyp and a endoclip which never released after a previous colonoscopy, my bowel was perforated. I was told before the procedure that I would end up in surgery if a perforation occurred. The doctor did not notice the tiny hole and I went home only to end up in the emergency room a day and a half later in severe abdominal pain. Sounds like a sad story? Ironically the doctor not noticing the perforation, ended up to be a blessing in disguise. I ended up in a hospital where the doctors were very conservative about surgery and wanted to see if the hole would close on its own and if the infection would clear up with a good old round of antibiotics. I attracted the perfect doctors for me, the kind who didn’t want to slice me open at the drop of a hat. On the other hand I also attracted the perforation, which landed me in the hospital for seven days, also a blessing in disguise.

Each day I was checked, there was always the possibility that they would come in and say, we have to go into surgery. As a result of my new beliefs in my ability to help heal my body, I started to use my mind more to facilitate healing. Each day I worked on being positive and grateful for being alive. I will admit there were moments of fear, doubt, and all out bawling but for once I had to really focus on myself completely. For once I knew it was largely up to me whether I was going to end up in that operating room or not. My blood pressure was a bit haywire and so were my white blood count. I used these as gauges to determine if I was allowing or resisting wellbeing. At one point my white blood count was almost at normal and then shot back up. I shifted my thinking, and started to listen to music and dance. I read and listened to inspiring books and audios. I learned to cherish being well and move away from my addiction to being sick. It was a rough seven days, four of which I could not eat (one of my favorite things to do). Each day I was told maybe tomorrow you can eat and by morning the news came that another day would go by without food or water. Most days I was alone and it was difficult to stay positive moment by moment. I kept reminding myself that I had more control than I believed at this moment and that if I continued to focus on all that was good in my life, I could get through this. At the end of the seven days, I was in the clear. Even the doctors were surprised that my body healed itself quickly and that I didn’t end up in the operating room.

Today I know there that each of the illnesses I encountered, were in fact backdoor blessings. My illnesses were there to speak to me and lead me to a greater connection with my body and Self. I neglected and ignored my body for so long, never listening to its signals and so it continually gave me something bigger to deal with until I finally started to pay attention. I also connected being sick to being loved since it was the only time, my mother nurtured me. This understanding only came after being sick so many times with ailments that were usually reserved for people older than me or people with a hereditary history. I had no history of cancer or precancer in my family, thyroid disease, cervical cancer, fibroids or polyps. I believe two things were happening, I attracted these in order to get love in one of the only ways I knew how and my body was speaking to me in the only way it knew I would listen.

My mind and body are connected and so as I tend to my body I must pay equal attention to what I allow to go on in my mind. I must plant better seeds both mentally and physically so that I may flourish in both areas, each feeding the other as they are unmistakably intertwined. Now, I no longer need to be sick to feel loved. I don’t want that kind of love anymore. I also speak to my body and my brain occasion. I soothe it and let it know I am in control and that I can deal with whatever it is. I also speak to the Universe and I say, “give me smaller signals, I promise this time I’ll pay attention.” So far, my body lets me know when I am not in alignment through smaller aches and pains or even a cold. I promised myself I would listen more carefully. I am now more in tune when my body is speaking to me. I know when it is telling me there is something I am not paying attention to, something I am resisting or holding on to. It causes me to go inside, where really all the answers are waiting for me to discover them. When I go in, I don’t always find the root cause or pinpoint the answer, but as I return to my Self, I am allowing, I am loving myself and I am letting go, all necessary components of healing. I am learning not to seek outside of myself for a magic pill, a cure, but rather to embrace the healing journey within.

Still Alive and Kicking

Hello everyone! I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still alive and kicking. I apologize for being away for so long but Life literally took me by the ear, gave me a big shove, drop kicked me and is just now dusting me off. Of course deep down I know I called it all forth into my life for my greater evolution and growth, but it sure does sting, nonetheless. I realize as I come up for air that all of it, my divorce, my heartbreak, my dog possibly dying and the recent news that my estranged mother may have passed away last summer, is part of my unique journey. It is all pushing me toward my healing and a greater me in the end and I must find patience and love for myself as I work my way through it.
Even as I felt myself going backwards at times, I had a sense that I was in fact coming around to a greater awareness of a long buried pain. I could feel the wounds and patterns rising up inside of me at full force during these last few months, many of which I wasn't even aware of. The learning curve seemed quick and painful, too much to bear at times, but today I feel stronger. I am in no way over it, done, cured of all myself sabotaging patterns, but I am now more aware than ever of the gaps, the void that only I can fill. Awareness is always the first step.
I am still learning, still working on my recovery and life is truly opening up for me in a way I have never known. I have to admit I've had to pull out all my tools, from EFT, to prayer, to my Seven Keys for Reconditioning the Abused Mind, which I will be sharing with you in the coming weeks. And of course writing again, which gives me solid feet in my often shaky world.
And so now as I dust myself off and begin this new chapter in my life, I am both terrified and excited. Hopefully you will be hearing a lot more from me as I make my way through and share the lessons learned. I hope I hear an amen every once in a while, I hope I touch a nerve even, I hope that you can use my journey to help you on your own. We are here to learn from each other. Feel free to drop me an email to share your thoughts, ask a question or just share your story if you feel inclined. My email is sgagos@aol.com.

Take care. Keep healing and growing.
Lovingly,
Stephanie

The Beauty of Rage

This weekend, I was blessed to attend yet another Shalom Mountain Retreat in which I tapped into the rage of my molestations and the betrayal of my husband. While I am not able to yet fully express the story of my husband here, I can say that the ties of my childhood and my marriage are deeply woven together in a dark mess of pain. To express rage against one and not the other would have missed the mark entirely. The wise woman who led me through my process knew that and led me through the timeline of my rage into my most powerful present.

As I allowed the rage of betrayal and pain to flush through my body, I realized there was great beauty and power in that rage. I felt it's vibration flowing freely through me the more I brought the tennis racket down on the large block cushion in front of me. Each pop loosened something inside of me, making room for my true power to emerge.

There are so many treasures in my process which I believe I will uncover as time goes on and yet there those crystal clear gems that stand out to me right now as I reenter my life.

For those of you who know about the Shalom mat trip process, you know that it is almost always a reclaiming of the lost parts. As a child I lost or buried so many parts of myself in order to survive and stay safe. These parts of me stayed buried into adulthood, keeping me from functioning in "normal" ways and robbing me of my power. For me my lost parts were my sexuality, my ownership over my body, my right to say no, to say yes and my right to express my rage. And so when I was violated emotionally as an adult, I still could not step into my power and claim the right to say no, no more. As I swung at the cushioned block, I screamed, "no", I screamed, "my body" and I even screamed, "yes" to my sexuality. Letting my rage flow was releasing me, the real me, giving her permission to come forth and own it all even the pain.

My beautiful gems so far are:

My body is mine.
I do not need to fear my rage.
I can say yes to my sexuality.
I am powerful.
I own my power, my rage, my body, my mouth, my sexuality, all of it.

Today as I reenter my life and focus upon this new life that I am creating, I say thank you to the angels that lifted me up over this weekend. May our wings touch one day on the mountain and beyond.

If you would like to know more about Shalom Mountain Retreats, feel free to contact me at stephanie@myvoiceoftruth.com or go to their site at www.shalommountain.com

In Love,
Stephanie






At the end I was lifted by angels, literally and figuratively.

The Lie (WARNING TRIGGER!!)

You are eight, can you see yourself then? Go ahead picture yourself, your small hands and body, your height in relation to the adults around you. Got it? Good. Now imagine you are alone with a relative who is watching over you for a few hours. Picture your favorite relative. You sit next to him to watch T.V. You are both enjoying the show together. He tries to make you laugh and you do. You feel comfortable and safe until something turns horribly wrong . Without warning, without even an indication of some kind of switch in the atmosphere, your favorite relative, starts touching in a way he has never done before. He's looking at you in a totally new way too with an unfamiliar glazed intensity. Pretty soon his hand is down there fondling you and you don't understand what's happening or what you are feeling. His big body is closer to you than it's ever been. You feel sensations and then you feel numb. Everything is a bit hazy after that for you learn quickly how to make an exit, how to go far away as he commits unspeakable crimes to your small body.

This happens again and again, every time he comes over or you go over to his house. You even come to expect it. Years later you look back and remember how it felt good and you feel immense guilt. You start to believe you're damaged goods, twisted, and corrupted. How could sexual abuse feel good to you? There must be something seriously wrong. Even now as an adult you may be slightly turned on by words or images related to the molestation. It is automatic, like an electric impulse that shoots through your body, before you have time to think that this is wrong, this is disgusting. And then there is shame afterward. You remember the sensations that coursed through your body and you begin to think that somehow you brought this on yourself.

You think maybe you flirted, maybe you gave him a sign that you wanted it. You realize you shouldn't have sat on his lap tempting him, provoking him to become sexually aroused. You start to believe in the lie that you asked for it. Why else would it happen over and over? Why else would it happen with others as well.

Throughout the years these beliefs form and solidify to become your beliefs about yourself. Everything sexual becomes tainted and dirty. Your relationship with others, becomes this sick back and forth battle for dominance because you find yourself always trying to reclaim what was lost. As you speak on these things as an adult, your voice is void of emotion. You say it so matter of fact, "I was molested" as if saying, "I took ballet lessons".

The lie is what we believe about ourselves now. It is the underlying feeling we have about ourselves despite being able to intellectualize, that of course, this heinous act could not have been our fault. We were innocent, we were children, for God's sakes. Unfortunately, sexual abuse does something to us on a deep level. It's effects are insidious and many times we don't even realize what we feel about ourselves until in one moment we are challenged in some way and the discord against ourselves jumps out at us. It is this lie of our unworthiness, our brokenness, of being irreparably tainted, which keeps us from the happiness we deserve.
The good news is we have the power to change that. We can change how we think, how we perceive ourselves and what we believe. It takes self examination and the courage to really look inside and challenge who we think we are.

Start today, by just creating your own mantra. Say it over and over until it becomes a part of you.

I am worthy.
I am lovable.
I am innocent.
I am whole.
I am pure.
I am beautiful.
I am free.
I deserve to be loved.

Keep healing and growing....